Sometimes I sit and think about how easily I become consumed in people and I wish I could transfer that to my relationship with God (with minimal exertion). There are certain people in my life who, if they invited me anywhere, I'd be there on the first thing smoking. With God though, I allow His invitation to remain open and settle for what one of my best friends refers to as "flimsy alternatives".
I care for people and value them so much, but their love can never compare to the love of God. I can say all of these things, and I "know" all of these things, but as usual, my knowledge is not producing change. What does it mean that I know precisely what to do to get out of the space I'm in, but I'm not doing it?
I have an issue with idolatry; there are so many people sitting on thrones in my heart and only God belongs there. I remember when I was a freshman in college, two of the older girls that I really looked up to used to have this conversation about how we should feel if Jesus never comes back. They talked about how we should live in such a way that we would be utterly embarrassed if He never returned.
We should be completely wrapped up in Him; everything we do in life should be an extension of our love for Him. I certainly have the capability to live this way, because I do it with people, but I have not yet begun to live like this consistently with God.
I have been warned so many times, that only God can hold the full weight of my love, and I never listened. I never listened because as great as it was to know that He could hold it, I never believed that I would feel the reciprocity. I am very black and white in my thinking, and I have always felt that I had to make a decision to "love God and only God and not have relationships with people" or "have relationships with people and love them with everything I have".
I felt like being fully satisfied in God meant having no need for people and I didn't want that, because I really love people (or so I thought/think...my idea of love is skewed but I haven't fully determined what it is). So, I didn't pursue that. I didn't pursue the only relationship that will last forever. It is the only relationship that can give me everything I could ever want or need. It is the only relationship that can satisfy all of my longings.
Today, after completely falling apart because someone I value is moving away, I acknowledged the immense necessity of something deeper with God. Knowing He is here and welcoming me with open arms means nothing if I don't respond to Him. I will still be hurt and I will still be broken and I will still search to fill all of the voids inside of me with people, and they do not fit. They will not fit.
We've heard it time and time again "the voids you feel inside of you are God-shaped". It is true. Nothing else can fully satisfy the God-shaped voids we have. We can have tons of things and people in our lives, but nothing will ever be enough to fill those voids. Only He can and only He is supposed to.
"I made a place for you here. So come on, come on. All things are possible here. So come on, come on."
These lyrics have challenged me so much in the last two days. He has already made the place for me where everything I am looking for can become reality, but I have to go. I frequently find myself wanting Him to just whisk me up into a relationship and set everything straight, but that is simply not going to happen.
I literally have to go there. I have to move.